Here’s an uncomfortable truth. From an early age, girls are taught—both explicitly and implicitly—that their role is to accommodate, to be agreeable, and to avoid threatening male authority. This socialization follows us into adulthood and manifests in our careers as hesitation, self-doubt, and a tendency to shrink ourselves to make others comfortable.
I know this firsthand. When I was a teenager, I was a straight-A student, excelling in all my classes and working very hard to do so. I had every reason to be proud of my achievements. But instead of celebrating, my Baby Boomer generation mother was angry. She told me, “Boys don’t like girls who are too smart.” In that moment, I learned a painful lesson: my intelligence, my success—my very potential—could be a liability. Her mindset? Women needed to defer to men to keep themselves safe. I think in a weird way she worried that I would be negatively impacted by achievement and intelligence, and the sad thing is she was probably right.
That message stuck with me longer than I’d like to admit. It made me question whether I should speak up in class, whether I should correct misinformation, whether I should let others take the lead even when I had the better idea. And when I entered the workforce, those same doubts followed me.
The Socialization of Deference
The idea that women should be accommodating is deeply ingrained in our culture. It starts with childhood expectations:
- Girls are praised for being “nice,” “helpful,” and “polite.”
- They are encouraged to avoid confrontation and prioritize others’ feelings.
- They witness women in their lives doing the emotional labor, smoothing things over, and making sacrifices for the comfort of others.
By the time we reach adulthood, these behaviors feel natural, even instinctive. But in the workplace, they can be a career-limiting liability.
How This Shows Up at Work
Women conditioned to defer to men often:
Undersell Their Abilities – They hesitate to advocate for promotions or higher salaries, even when they are more than qualified.
Apologize Excessively – They start emails with “Sorry to bother you…” or over-explain their requests.
Struggle to Take Credit – They deflect praise, emphasizing teamwork rather than owning their individual contributions.
Avoid Confrontation – They hesitate to challenge ideas, disagree in meetings, or negotiate for what they deserve.
Take on More Emotional Labor – They manage team morale, take notes in meetings, plan parties, smooth over workplace tensions, and take on additional work without recognition or compensation.
Breaking Free and Building Confidence
Recognizing these patterns is the first step to breaking free from them. Here’s how women can begin to unlearn deference and reclaim their confidence:
1. Challenge the Internalized Beliefs
Ask yourself: Who benefits from me playing small? The answer is almost always someone else. Recognizing that these behaviors are learned—and not inherent—can be empowering.
2. Practice Speaking Up
Start small. Push yourself to contribute in meetings, state your opinions confidently, and stop cushioning your statements with unnecessary apologies.
3. Own Your Achievements
If you did the work, take the credit. Try saying, “Yes, I led that project and it resulted in X,” instead of deflecting praise.
4. Set Boundaries
Stop taking on emotional labor by default. You don’t have to be the one planning office birthdays, smoothing over conflicts, or picking up slack.
Pro tip: If you’re continually asked to do these things by a superior, suggest making a rotating schedule so that everyone takes turns with office housekeeping and party planning.
5. Seek Out Supportive Networks
Surround yourself with mentors and colleagues who uplift and empower you. Women who support other women create a ripple effect of confidence and change.
Pro tip: Your network is tied to your net worth. Spend time each week building relationships.
Rewriting the Narrative
That moment with my mother—her warning that my intelligence could be a liability—stayed with me. But I have since rewritten the story. Intelligence is not a burden. Confidence is not arrogance. And success is not something to downplay.
Women do not exist to make men comfortable. We exist to lead, to excel, and to take up space.
It’s time we start acting like it.
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